He calls President Bush, who answers the phone and tells Garrision that despite the lack of intelligence on rapture-related activities, he's on top of the situation.
He calls Billy Graham, who answers the phone and starts quoting Revelations to Garrison.
He calls the Pope, who answers the phone and, misunderstanding Garrison's question, starts rapping in Italian.
He calls the Unitarian Universalist Association offices in Boston ... and gets "We are sorry, but no one is available to answer your call."