Still, this beast is overkill:
It's the Wenger Giant Swiss Army Knife™ V1.0. Eighty-five separate implements, including a laser pointer and flashlight. One hundred ten separate functions. Almost three pounds in weight and eight and three-quarter inches wide!
For comparison, my old Champion model is a mere inch-and-a-half wide. Not that I'm jealous or anything. (Besides, I'm trying to imagine how to work the corkscrew on that beast.)